Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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