Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
