Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
