No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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