We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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