He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
