I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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