Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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