Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
