I just cut my nipple shaving
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
