she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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