The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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