i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
