I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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