I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
