I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
