I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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