Got a toothbrush?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
