Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
