It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
