Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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