If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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