you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
