That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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