You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
