I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
