My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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