I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
