my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I still have a little drunk in my system
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
