Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
splinters make it hard to masturbate
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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