Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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