I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
