her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
