hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
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Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
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I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?