You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.