I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
