You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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