i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
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