I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
