I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
