How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
