Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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