Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
