His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
