Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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