Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
