The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
