Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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