the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
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Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
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You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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