I heard we made out
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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