everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
