Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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