your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
