you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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