I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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