Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
