it hurts more in the daytime
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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