apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He felt like a one man threesome
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
