like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
