yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
